The Perfect Gift
by TheShippyQueen
Summary: In which John visits a lingerie store, William gets to taste Anna's cups, Carson gets cheeky and Anna discovers exactly what John meant by calling her a "naughty girl."   We do not own these characters.
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: So, this story came about in the most random way. StuckInThePast and I were sharing a little Anna/Bates RP and the idea of John buying a gift for Anna came up. So, what does an Edwardian man buy his intended as a gift that can be sent from France?_

_Well, we won't give anything away; you must read and find out. But, put it this way, it started out with a strange title of an email and a lot of Google ads!_

_It's totally AU and rather Crack! We hope you enjoy it!_

_StuckInPast – John Bates_

_TheShippyQueen – Lord Grantham _

**THE PERFECT GIFT**

It had started with a bet.

The men had been playing poker, but many of them didn't want to wager any money in such times as these. And Warren, whose sense of humour was questionable at best, had come up with the solution.

"There's a shop in the town," he'd said, "well hidden from sight, for the sake of those of us who'd rather not be seen-" he'd sent a rather pointed look towards Bates, who had studiously ignored it - "which sells... let's say, novelty products."

"The very French one," Hill had clarified.

After a brief interlude which consisted of Hill and Warren bickering over why this shop was more French than the others, the decision was made that the losers of the game would have to go into this shop and purchase something of the choosing of the other men.

Several hours later, Bates had lost by a very, very long way.

And that was why, the next day, he returned from the town with a strange implement of women's clothing, made up entirely of candy.

**xXx**

Colonel Grantham studied the letter in his hand as he walked towards the common room. He knew Bates would be there with the other men and it was rather urgent that he got his opinion on the content of this letter, it was of high importance.

Approaching the room he could hear raucous laughter emanating from inside and could only smile himself at fond memories of his own time in a soldier's common room. He almost missed those days, almost, but not quite.

He appeared in the doorway, "Bates, I wond…." What he saw made him stop dead. Bates - sensible, quiet Bates - was holding up a rather peculiar looking item, that appeared to be made of candy. "Bates, what in blazes is that?"

The laughter had cut short as soon as the door opened, and now all the men were giving Bates an expectant look as if they'd had nothing to do with it. How was he to explain this?

"It's a... a novelty item, sir," he said, sticking as close to the truth as he could without compromising Colonel Grantham's good opinion of his sanity. "A joke. It's meant to imitate a kind of clothing, I believe."

This could get out of hand very quickly if he didn't come up with a distraction, so Bates  
>nodded quickly towards the letter his superior was holding. "Was there something you needed me for, sir?<p>

Robert couldn't take his eyes off the strange apparatus Bates was still holding. He could sense the mirth in the room and was rather intrigued to learn more. He'd never had Bates down as the sort of man to indulge in novelty purchases and this one was certainly odd….yet strangely familiar.

"Erm…yes, yes there was something." Robert managed, dragging his eyes away from the multi-coloured item Bates was still holding. "Would you take a look at this letter? It arrived not long ago and I think it could be of great significance."

He moved into the room, aware of the men watching him. One man seemed to choke upon a laugh but managed to hide it with a cough. Robert's eyes were drawn back to the novelty gift in Bates' hand. There really was something very familiar about it.

A memory came back as Bates moved, the item in his hand swaying delicately with a soft clicking sound as candy knocked against candy. Suddenly, he was right back at Downton, laid in his marital bed waiting for Cora. He remembered leaning over to look at her magazine, purely to pass the time of course, he remembered flicking to the advertisements…

"Is that the "Candy-Cupper Elite" you've got there?" The words left his mouth before he had chance to think and as every eye in the room was fixed upon him, he furiously blushed.

If it hadn't been bad enough that the men had made Bates buy the... item, and then that Colonel Grantham had walked in, how in the world did he know what it was?

In fact, he decided as images flooded his mind, he would rather not know the answer to that question.

"I believe so, sir," he said, resolutely avoiding Warren's attempt to catch his eye. How was he to explain himself, exactly? Gambling in any form wasn't technically allowed, and he certainly didn't want him to think there was any other reason for the purchase. As far as he knew, nobody knew anything about his engagement to Anna, and he would rather keep it that way, without giving any such reason for having this in his possession. What in the world might Anna make of something like this? He shouldn't be diverted by such an idea, but for one brief, mad moment he very much was. He put down the item forcibly, trying to ignore the events going on in his imagination. Perhaps he could  
>distract attention away from this...<p>

"May I see the letter, sir?" he tried, moving away from the table and holding out a hand expectantly. If this was so important, surely it might serve as the very necessary distraction?

Robert moved to meet Bates, his eyes still on the novelty item now cast aside on to the chair next to where Bates had been sat.

"Of course," he answered, handing the letter over, "it's a darned business, Bates, it really is."

He watched Bates take hold of the letter and begin to read. Slowly, his eyes were drawn back to the pastel coloured article and the urge to touch it began to take hold. As Bates read, he leaned down and picked up the Candy-Cupper Elite and began his inspection.

He held it up before his eyes. It was smaller than expected. He turned it around in his hands. How was it meant to fit? He cupped it in his hands. It felt rougher than he'd imagined. He pulled at it, amazed at how far it stretched. It was truly fascinating.

"It's flimsier than I'd imagined. Cora's would never fit in th-," again the words left his mouth without thinking. Robert coughed politely, trying to distract himself from the thought of Cora adorned by such an item. "So, what do you think?"

Really, Bates thought as he tried desperately not to overhear, he didn't want to know about all this! Although try as he might, he couldn't help wondering how well Anna would fit into it.

Registering the question, but not yet entirely in control of his senses, he answered, "It would be a perfect fit." At the smothered laughter of the others, he realised his awful mistake, but it was too late to correct himself now. He stumbled over an "I mean... that is..." before he gave up, and tried to deflect attention by turning studiously back to the letter.

Robert tried hard to rid himself of the mental image of Cora wearing such an item, he tried to push away thoughts of how such an item may fit his wife and he most certainly tried hard to not think about removing his wife from such an item. He was feeling rather flustered!

Such thoughts, he decided must be saved for later that night when he was alone, right now, he was in a public place and these men were looking to him for guidance in war…not…love.

He was just about succeeding when Bates' words hit him, he frowned and pondered. What on earth did Bates mean by such a statement? Had he been imagining Cora wearing it? Surely not! And anyway, why would he have such an item in his possession? Who was he intending it for?

He glanced around at the men who were struggling to contain themselves. Surely he didn't want one of these men to wear it, did he? Or maybe he wanted to wear it himself? Maybe he had….tendencies….What a thought!

"Erm….," the words seemed to be jumbled in his mind and he had no idea what to say, "who…who is this for, Bates?"

"It's for nobody, sir," Bates answered quickly. "It was just a joke that got a little out of hand." How in the world was he going to get out of this? He could feel himself changing colour very rapidly, and he couldn't help but wonder if this might constitute being brought up on charges. Surely not, logically he knew it wasn't something likely to  
>be in the army handbook, but it was such a situation he felt sure that the officers wouldn't be best impressed.<p>

Gesturing to the letter, he began; "if I might make a sugge-"

He fell silent suddenly. One of the men, standing close to the door and consequently to Colonel Grantham, had muttered something to his nearest neighbour about "the mysterious Anna". Loudly.

Robert looked up, searching for the origin of the voice. For a moment, the words didn't quite register with him. His initial reaction was to ask, "Who's Anna?" but something held his tongue.

He looked at Bates and saw his expression and it all suddenly fell into place, Bates had a lady-friend! That was who the cupper was for! The sly dog! Robert hadn't thought he had it in him! He had to admit he was rather glad it was for a woman and not for Bates' own usage! It would have made his valeting duties rather harder to accept!

"Why, Bates!" He exclaimed. "Now it all makes sense! So, who's this Anna, then?"

But, before he could congratulate and tease Bates further on his romancing skills, Robert had the impression that he was missing something. Missing something important. Anna.

His jaw dropped open as it all became crystal clear. "Not our, Anna?"

"Yes, sir," Bates said, silently plotting a particularly painful murder - he could hardly deny it now, and it was bound to come out sooner or later. But what would this mean for him and Anna? Would his Lordship forbid it? Would Anna be angry with him for letting it out of the bag? What if the truth now got to Downton, and everyone  
>found out? Some of the staff would show no mercy to Anna. She would<br>be subject to constant teasing, lectures and scrutiny, possibly to an unbearable level. He would have to do something to ensure that she was alright, but how in the world would he do that?

Then it occurred to him what his Lordship must be thinking, and his eyes widened. "This isn't for her," he said quickly. If their employers began to suspect them of behaving in such a way at Downton... if they could possibly think Anna was such a person as that... "It was just a joke. I lost a bet, that's all." 

A new image was forming in Robert's mind. One of Anna wearing nothing but this skimpy little number, now he was certain she would fit into it quite nicely…though maybe not as well as Cora.

Dear God, was he fantasising about seeing the Head Housemaid, of his family home, wearing nothing more than a skimpy novelty item of clothing? Well, she would be wearing that little white hat thing all the maids wore, but other than that…..

Robert shook his head, desperately trying to clear away this thought. What on earth was wrong with him tonight? This was all too much to take in! And, did Bates mean that he and Anna were…courting? How had that happened? And…had Bates seen Anna in such an item before….he really needed to stop this now!

"A bet, you say?" he asked. "Involving this?" he waved the item, admiring the movement of the beads. "Interesting…But, I had no idea you were courting Anna! How long has this been going on for?"

For heaven's sake, would his Lordship not let that go? How exactly was Bates to  
>explain himself? And it was clear that despite what he'd said; his Lordship was not going to believe that his relationship with Anna had not reached such... questionable levels. Not that he'd ever thought about it, of course, he was human and desperate and very much in love. But he'd not thought for a moment of seeing Anna in this bizarre item<br>before now.

"I'd rather not say, sir," he answered; perhaps his Lordship did have some right to ask, but Bates had no intention of answering. They'd kept it hidden long enough to be sure that they could do their jobs perfectly well while they waited for the chance to get married. This stupid incident wasn't going to change anything.

"Of course not, I'm sorry, Bates. I had no right to even ask." Robert answered quickly, ashamed at his own curiosity. What his staff got up to was not his business at all, well, as long as it didn't impede on the running of his home. And if Bates wanted to partake in some….novelty related activity with Anna, well he couldn't exactly blame him, nor could he see any problems with it. Why, he'd partaken in many a night of novelty with Cora in the past! And, this Candy-Cupper looked exactly like the sort of thing he could enjoy with Cora on his return.

He gave a rather embarrassed little chuckle. "Well, you lads certainly seem to be having fun!" In his embarrassment, he hadn't realised he was stretching the novelty item rather dangerously, as it dawned on him, he let go, the Candy-Cupper Elite sailing across the room in a multi-coloured blur.

The eyes of the men followed it as it landed and skidded across the floor. Robert coughed lightly.

"Anyway, if you could take a look at that letter and report back to me in the morning, that would be most excellent, Bates."

Bates restrained himself from letting out any form of exclamation as the cupper sailed across the room, although he could guarantee being attacked with it as soon as his Lordship left. Having fun! Well, perhaps the others had been, but he had not. And now he was bound to be tormented constantly by the good-natured teasing, especially as it  
>came from some of the more... vulgar men.<p>

"Of course, sir," he said, that at least was safe. And he tried not to continue imagining what Anna might do with such an item as this. It was an intriguing mental image, but he could not let himself begin to think of things like that, or he'd never stop, and would bring great trouble to Anna. It wasn't going to happen. And if she ever did want to involve something like this in one of their activities, it wouldn't be for a very long time.

This was ridiculous. Truly, truly ridiculous. He simply could not believe it was happening. There must be a way to turn things around.

But all he could think of was what Anna might taste like after removing this item from her body.

Robert stood awkwardly, not knowing what to say next. He wasn't exactly welcome in these quarters and really, he should be getting back to the safety of his own room. He had a lot to think about. He turned to leave, then stopped, turned back, then stopped again. He opened his mouth, then closed it again.

The thoughts in his mind were of Cora and how rather fine she would look in such an item, he had a good mind to confiscate it from the men but that would seem a tad too obvious. But, he really did want one of those cuppers; it would make a fine 'coming home' gift.

"I say, Bates…," he began, awkwardly shifting from foot to foot. "Where…would one buy such an item? If…for example…one wanted to purchase…one."

He felt his colour rising once more. Had he really just asked his former batman, a man who he had fought side-by-side with against the Boer's, a man who now worked for him as his valet, where to buy a novelty candy….cup holder?

This wasn't happening. It had to be a dream - a bizarre, horrific, terrifying dream, which he would no doubt wake up from any minute now in a cold sweat. Any minute now. Now. Any minute.

This was really happening.

How exactly was it that he had not yet perished from simple, overwhelming embarrassment?

And now he had to answer that question. He had no options here, he couldn't refuse to answer the question of a superior officer for one thing, and for another, it was entirely necessary in order to get this exchange over and done with as quickly as possible, just to answer the question.

"There's a shop in the town, sir. Behind the dressmaker's. It's easy enough to find."

"I see….," Robert said slowly, his mind forming ideas in rapid succession. He was sure he could slip out at some point and purchase one of these items. Maybe they'd have other such attire? He could buy a few pieces; it would certainly make for an interesting leave!

He had to wonder if deep down, Bates was planning the exact same thing for him and Anna. It was rather a worrying thought, and one he was having trouble ridding himself of. He had to admit, in all the years he'd known Bates, he'd never imagined him to be….that way inclined. But now, thinking about it, he was certain that behind that stoic image and of course his cane, Bates was an incredibly…passionate man.

Dear God, he had to get out of here and fast!

Casting his eye at the cupper one last time, he made a pact with himself. Tomorrow morning, first thing he was going to visit that shop.

"Well…thank you Bates, this has been a most…enlightening conversation." Robert said, straightening himself up. "I…well…I'll be going now, goodnight…."

He strode purposefully towards the door, trying hard to fight the images that were threatening to consume him. A sudden thought brought him to a halt and he turned back to face Bates and the other men.

"Oh, and, Bates?" Robert said, a small smile growing upon his lips. "I'm rather surprised at you! I didn't think you had it in you! Anna's a very lucky girl!"

_And you are a very lucky man…._

"Thank you, sir," Bates said as the most reasonable response he could think of. From the corner of his eye he could see Warren inching towards the article, and he dreaded to think what could happen next. He might not get out of this one alive.

How, then, was he to explain that this bizarre object really wasn't intended for Anna's eyes, or... or any other part of her anatomy? He couldn't let his Lordship think he and Anna behaved so immodestly, not under the man's own roof! And as for the other men in the room, they would never allow him to live this down. They must be firmly convinced that his relationship with Anna was much further progressed than he had admitted to, and would be demanding details he did not have. Not that he would have given them, if anything had happened - but the point was that there were no details.

Robert smiled warmly, watching as one of the soldiers in the room moved towards the cupper. He imagined that the moment he left, much frivolity and locker-room horseplay would ensue. It cheered him, the men needed distraction and nothing was more distracting than an intimate item of clothing belonging to a woman!

He left the room and headed back to his quarters with ideas of how he would personally make use of such an item. If his mother knew his thoughts right now, she'd pass out in shock! They involved a Candy-Cupper, some fresh cream and a couple of Mrs Patmore's scones…oh, and of course Cora….and maybe Anna too….no! Just Cora! Cora…in a cupper, with cream on and a delicately placed scone….

It was with that thought that Robert retired to room. Strangely enough, he didn't send for Bates that night.

**xXx**

As soon as the door closed behind Lord Grantham, Bates quickly moved to retrieve the item. It would be best if nobody in this room ever saw it again, and he had every intention of disposing of it. Every intention.

But Warren got hold of it first, and spent a minute inspecting it as the others took their turns to tease Bates with little mercy and a great deal of what really ought to be called vulgarity.

Of course, as Warren pointed out, they now knew where Anna lived. Perhaps they could send this item to her. Surely she would appreciate such a gift?

It really had been meant only as a joke. Some of the men thought it would be funny to package and address the parcel, in order to tease Bates further. They would joke about sending the gift to Anna, and then, after a while, grudgingly relent.

But the man who dealt with their mail had seen the parcel first.

**TBC – Next chapter: Anna receives a surprising gift….**


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: And so the Crack! continues….we are not responsible for any damage this story may cause to your health and we offer no apologies for any disturbing images you may endure! We do however, thank you ever so much for reading!_

StuckInPast – Mrs P, Daisy, Miss O'Brien and Mr Carson.

ShippyQueen – Anna, Mrs Hughes and William.

Chapter 2:

Anna always looked forward to John's letters. Although he wrote as often as he could, there were times when Anna had to wait for him to reply. However, on this particular day, the arrival of a package with Anna's name on it, took her completely by surprise. She had only posted her last letter just the other week and to have a response so quickly was unheard of. And to receive a package, was even more unusual.

The post boy had handed it to Anna with a smirk, which she found rather odd, and turning it over in her hands thought the package looked slightly battered, as though it had been opened and hastily stuck back together. She frowned at the address label,

Miss ANNA (surname not known)

Downton Abbey (Where Colonel Grantham lives)

Yorkshire (We think)

It certainly wasn't John's handwriting, but on the back, the packaged puzzled her further. It was stamped with a French return address and the words; "Little Miss Fancy's Shop of Delight." It was all very intriguing.

She could only think that it came from John, for who else did she know who would send her a package from France?

Pondering this thought, she entered the servants' hall.

When the door opened, Daisy turned to it at once, desperate for any escape from Mrs Patmore's scolding. This time she hadn't touched the pudding, and it really was unfair that she was blamed for the mix-up. After all, it wasn't as if anybody had eaten it...

She saw the parcel in Anna's hand, and her attention was caught. Perhaps it wasn't exactly rare for parcels to come, but there was that look on Anna's face that said something strange was going on, and she wanted to know more.

"Daisy, are you listenin' to me? Girl, you've only-" Mrs Patmore's scolding cut off suddenly as her attention, too, was caught by the bizarre parcel. "What've you got there, Anna?"

Anna looked up at the sound of her name and noticed that the room was not empty, far from it. Daisy's eyes were fixed upon the parcel in her hands and Mrs Patmore was eyeing her curiously. In the corner, William sat, bandages over his eyes, his head turning this way and that, trying hard to locate the happenings within the room.

"Erm…," Anna wondered if it was too late to hide the parcel, but considering William was the only blind one in the room she realised that attempt would be futile. "It's a parcel….from France."

William turned his head towards Anna's voice, "France? Is it for me? Do they want me to go back and fight again?"

"No, William." Anna said. She felt sorry for the poor man, ever since he'd been injured and sent home on ill health, he had been hoping that he would be recalled to serve once more. But with no eyesight, the chance of that was zero. "It's for me," she added. "Though it's rather odd."

Once again she studied the tatty-looking parcel. It looked as if it had been handled by many hands and John was such a meticulous man, he hated shoddy workmanship, he prided himself on neatness. This was very unlike him - and what on Earth was "Little Miss Fancy's Shop of Delight?"

O'Brien huffed out a breath and threw her sewing down on the table. If it was alright for everyone else to bunk off, she would too. And the parcel was more interesting than yet another burst button on the chest of her Ladyship's dress. "Well, open it then," she said, eyeing it with interest. Did nobody in the room have any sense at all? Of course nobody could expect much of Daisy, William was blind and Mrs P nearly so. As for Anna... Well, she ought to know that if she didn't want it seeing, this wasn't the place to take it.

Mrs Patmore quickly agreed, she had found herself unwittingly suggesting a few things that were drawing too much attention. That Daisy was a sly one, turning the tables on her like that. As if she could be fooled into letting people think she was at fault... Still, it was better to turn the attention elsewhere, and that package was getting interesting.

Stood quietly as far from Mrs Patmore as she could manage, Daisy couldn't help agreeing, "Go on, then." It had to be better than being shouted at, and somehow she felt sure that it would be something ever so exciting.

Anna looked at the expectant faces and couldn't help but sigh at her own stupidity. She should have known better than to bring the parcel into the servants' hall, now she would have to open it in front of them and then would have to endure the relentless questions and teasing.

"What's goin' on in here?" Mrs Hughes' voice rang out as she entered the room to observe most of her staff standing around doing nothing. "I didn't realise it was a public holiday, or else I'd have taken time off myself!"

"Anna's got a parcel, Mrs Hughes!" William called out across the room. "We want her to open it!"

"I think I'd rather save it fer later," Anna said, clutching the parcel to her chest. "It's rather odd. I mean, look at the address."

She held the parcel out towards Miss O'Brien and watched as Daisy, Mrs Patmore and even Mrs Hughes crowded around to study her parcel.

"What does it say?" William asked in frustration. "Tell me what it says!"

"Well," O'Brien said, "Whatever it means by that, it's obviously been addressed by a madman. You don't know of any madmen in France, do you, Anna?"

Of course O'Brien knew all about Anna's madman in France. You didn't get to a position like hers without having some brains, and eyes too. Being the only one in the room with both, it fell on her to persuade Anna to open the parcel. It was for the common good, that's what it was. And she could do with some entertainment.

"You'll have to open it now," she said. "Come on, Anna, what's the worst it could be?" Elsie Hughes could challenge her if she dared.

"I don't know any madmen….certainly not in France anyway." Anna bristled at Miss O'Brien's tone and gave the woman a pointed look. It was obvious that she knew about her and Mr Bates but she'd rather that everyone else remained in the dark. "I think I'd rather keep it private."

"Oh no, Anna!" William cried. "You 'ave to open it now, you've got us all interested! It must be summat right fancy if it's come from France."

Anna looked down at the parcel and felt a little excitement course through her veins. She rarely got presents and this one was certainly intriguing. If it was from John, it wouldn't be anything too shocking, he knew her far too well to try and embarrass her. It would probably be something very innocent and really, there were no real signs it was from him. But then, who else would send her something?

"Oh, for heaven's sakes girl! Open it up!" Mrs Hughes exclaimed, exasperated by Anna's slowness.

Anna looked around at their waiting faces and smiled as her excitement grew. If Mrs Hughes was keen on her opening it, then open it she would.

She tore away at the brown packaging and as the top layer fell off, a note fluttered out. She bent down and picked it up, her eyes boggled at the words on the page and cautiously she read it aloud.

"_This parcel comes from me to you,_

_A tiny hint of what I'd do._

_To see you wearing this sweet treat,_

_I'd cross the seas with my bare feet."_

Mrs Hughes studied the note and raised an eyebrow. "Well whoever it's from, they're certainly no poet!"

O'Brien huffed at the unimpressive sight before her. That poem seemed to be decidedly hinting at something that Mrs Hughes would deem exorcism-worthy, but if it was from Mr Bates - and who else in France would be sending Anna such a gift - it would be neither untoward or interesting. Such a disappointment.

Daisy puzzled over the poem with much more interest, squeezing in to get a closer look as Miss O'Brien moved. "Whatever could it mean? Wearing this sweet treat... It couldn't be clothes made from candy, could it?" It was the only explanation she could think of. Perhaps it sounded silly, and everyone was giving her strange looks now, but it had to mean something, didn't it?

Mrs Patmore laughed scornfully. The things that Daisy came out with, it was a good thing she didn't need the girl for her intellect! "Don't be stupid," she said, "it's obviously a..." She paused. What in the world was it? There must be some logical explanation... "a..."

She was interrupted by the door opening to let in Mr Carson. There was a pause as everyone rose and sat again, and then he demanded, "What in the world is going on here?"

Anna gave an internal sigh. Of all the places she could have gone with this parcel, why had she been tempted to bring it in here? It was bad enough that Mrs Hughes and Miss O'Brien were in the room but now Mr Carson? What if it really was something embarrassing? And the poem didn't help; it was a riddle alright which certainly hinted at it being from John.

William was sat listening carefully to all that was happening. Without his eyesight, he was relying purely on his other senses and every one of them was telling him that this could get rather awkward. He was desperate to know what this parcel was, the poem had fuelled his curiosity and Daisy had merely fanned the flames. A sweet treat.

"Anna's received a gift, Mr Carson, and a poem…." Mrs Hughes explained, raising her eyebrow at Anna. She sensed that something was definitely amiss here and she was determined to find out. "…a rather poor poem."

"Something about a sweet treat, Mr Carson." William added helpfully. "Maybe you might be able to work it out?"

"I think I'd rather we forgot all about it." Anna protested weakly. She knew how poor Gwen had felt when everyone was studying her typewriter; this was getting more awkward by the minute. "I think you're all making somethin' outta nothin'."

O'Brien was about to make some derogatory noise to that comment, it was getting boring with all this going round in circles, but Mr Carson spoke first.

"If it's nothing, you can open it here. I'm sure we don't want everyone distracted from their work by misplaced curiosity." Carson shook his head, just an inkling that nobody would notice. Really, if  
>everyone was so interested by this, shouldn't Anna know better than to excite them all by refusing to show it? No doubt it was something insignificant, like... well, like... Something that wouldn't have<br>everyone distracted all week, anyway.

Daisy watched the debate eagerly. She was certain that Anna and Mr Carson were wrong, it must be something very exciting and she really wanted to know what it was. Maybe it would be something Anna wouldn't mind sharing.

Mrs Patmore shook her head heavily, and took a seat. Anna would have to open it now, she couldn't have Daisy distracted the rest of the week and it wouldn't take much to do that. A secret like this, and she'd be doing everyone's work herself. She wasn't going to let Anna have a choice here.

Anna looked at the expectant faces and gave a resigned sigh. It seemed she would have no choice but to open the parcel and really, if she was honest, she was feeling rather excited about it. To receive a gift with a mysterious poem? It was all so romantic and her little heart swelled with pride to think that she was in love with such a romantic man as John. Even if this was the first time he'd ever done something like this…

William was practically beside himself with excitement, since returning home from France with his eyes damaged beyond repair, this was the happiest he had felt. A secret gift and poem? It made him feel so much better!

"Oh, hurry up!" Mrs Hughes snapped, her patience beginning to run thin.

Anna's excitement bubbled over and she grinned widely at her audience and began to feel the package, trying to work out what was inside it.

"Are yer openin' it?" William asked.

"I'm feelin' it." Anna explained, her fingers squeezing and prodding at the package. She always took her time opening presents; she loved the intrigue and excitement.

"Tell us what it's like!" William begged. "I can't see you feelin' it can I?"

Anna sighed. "Well….it's rather thin and flexible…yes, it's very bendy." Anna described as she examined the parcel with her fingers. "It feels a bit lumpy…and rather limp."

"Very odd!" William replied. "It can't be somethin' to eat then, I was thinkin' that poem meant it were a cake or summat!"

"No, definitely not a cake." Anna said, squishing the parcel.

"Oh, Anna!" Mrs Hughes exclaimed, unable to take any more of this messing about.

Anna noted the tone. "Alright, I'm tearing it open."

She ripped off the packaging and suddenly, the contents slithered out and onto the floor in a multi-coloured string. It softly landed on the floor with a rather attractive noise. Anna's eyes followed it the floor, her face clouding over with a frown.

"Well I never!" Mrs Hughes sighed in admiration as she stared down at the gift.

"What?" William demanded. "What is it?"

O'Brien couldn't help being interested by the bizarre sight before her. Who on earth would send something like this to Anna, the bleedin' picture of chastity? Obviously, something strange was going on. This wouldn't come from Mr Bates, but Anna didn't have any other lovers, and certainly none in France. This must be a joke, surely.

Daisy stared in excitement as the others moved to take a closer look. It was so pretty and colourful, but what in the world was it for? That must be candy it was made of, but was it some kind of clothing? Had she been right after all? Of course not, what kind of clothes would be like that? And nobody would dream of going out like that, it wasn't anything like the fashion. It was so odd... Daisy rather wanted one of her own.

Mrs Patmore tried to restrain a giggle. To think that Anna would be sent a Candy Cupper Elite... She hadn't seen one of these in years, it had been a joke gift to her sister once but for it to be sent like this, was very strange indeed.

Since nobody else was going to answer the boy, Carson turned to William. "It's an implement of women's clothing, made of candy," he said in as matter-of-fact a tone as he could manage. Maybe he could confiscate it and get a closer look...

Elsie Hughes frowned as Anna lifted up the mysterious item of clothing. Though how it could be described as clothing was beyond her. It was made of nothing but string and some rather peculiarly arranged candy pieces.

Anna was completely perplexed by the gift. For a start she hadn't a clue what it was meant to be and despite it being attractively coloured, it looked rather frightening. She searched about for any further notes or labels explaining what the mystery item was but there was nothing and she was at a loss.

To make things worse, Mrs Patmore was trying hard to hide a smirk and Mr Carson seemed to know exactly what it was….so why didn't she?

She turned it over in her hands and studied it carefully. There had to be a clue as to what it was, she was an intelligent woman, she knew about women's clothing, she could work this out.

"What are you doing?" William asked, annoyed at the silence.

Anna looked at the stretchy string that held the item together and then further studied the candy areas. There was only one thing she could think of that this could be, though it looked very unpractical and she doubted it would last very long. But she had to prove she knew what it was.

So, she stretched the whole thing over her head tugging the stretchy straps so that they rested underneath her chin and readjusted the two candy triangles so that they just about rested over her ears. She winced as the stretchy string pulled painfully on her hair and tried hard to smile as the candy triangles began to slide upwards. She tugged them firmly back into place and smiled at her audience.

"Earmuffs!" she said, wincing as another hair was pulled out of her heard. "Though, not exactly practical ones."

Of course, Daisy realised as she watched Anna, what else could they be? Although they didn't look very comfortable, and it seemed ever so odd to make them out of candy, Daisy supposed that Anna would have to know about the fashions because of the ladies, and maybe this was just the latest.

O'Brien couldn't help laughing a bit, but she managed to mostly hide it. Earmuffs... And Anna actually believed that. Well, there was no harm in it, was there? Worse luck...

"I saw those, actually, now y' wear 'em like that," she said, congratulating herself on her nonchalance. "Th' latest thing in Paris, I think. Probably for one o' th' girls." If Lady Edith wound

up wearing this as earmuffs, O'Brien would never get over it, she was sure. It would be just brilliant to see the look on her face as she realised how wrong she was.

"They aren't earmuffs," Carson said, deciding that it would be unbearable to have Anna try to convince the young ladies that this was a fashion. "They are for another part of the anatomy, and I wonder if I really ought to confiscate such an implement." Perhaps he could get away with enjoying himself a little more in future...

So much for avoiding distraction. The kitchen maids would never be able to look at a dessert without dissolving into hysterics now, Mrs Patmore mused as she kept her eye on Daisy. It was going to be impossible to keep order now. And then a thought occurred to her. "Who's it from?"

Anna quickly removed the offending article from her head, wincing as the unforgiving string tore out several strands of her hair and completely messed up her neat bun. She felt rather silly for thinking they were earmuffs but then, it was an innocent mistake to make! And really, it ought to have been more clearly labelled. Her embarrassment grew as she realised she would have to answer Mrs Patmore's awkward question.

"Erm…" Anna began, flushing deeply. "..it's from….well, there's no real note apart from that poem but…I think….it's from Mr Bates."

Mrs Hughes raised an eyebrow in Mr Carson's direction at this, but his gaze seemed to be entirely on the object in Anna's hand. Really, she felt rather sorry for Anna, for she would have made the same mistake. And if it wasn't a nice, yet slightly strange, pair of earmuffs, then where on earth were they meant for?

"I confess, Mr Carson, I'm a little unsure. Just what exactly is this….gift?" Mrs Hughes asked.

"So…are they earmuffs or not?" William called across the room. "Can I have a hold of it?"

Anna was rather relieved at the distraction walking across the room to William provided her with. She placed the gift in his outstretched hands and turned back to face Mr Carson, hands on her hips and a perplexed look on her face.

"So….just how exactly are you meant to wear it?" she asked as William fumbled about with her mystery gift, his fingers stroking the candy pieces.

Carson's gaze followed the implement across the room as Anna took it to William. He really should be confiscating it, it wouldn't do to let things get out of hand. Where exactly had Mr Bates got hold of this?

"It ought to be worn on the chest," he said, and then tried to pretend he hadn't. This was absurd, but he couldn't tear his eyes away from that thing. Maybe there was a way he could make something happen...

Daisy tried not to watch too closely as William handled the candy thing. Was it the sort of thing he was going to like? After all, she was fascinated by it, and if they shared such a common interest...

Besides, the way his hands moved over it made her feel tingling all over. Maybe she could find a way to get one, if William was interested...

O'Brien and Mrs Patmore both tried not to laugh. Of everyone in the house who might be so fascinated by such a thing, Mr Carson and Daisy were not the most likely. Perhaps, O'Brien mused, old Carson would ease up on his dignity and control because of the distraction. And definitely, Mrs Patmore grumbled silently, there wouldn't be a chance of Daisy getting any work done for a month.

And then they all paused to wonder. What on earth was Mr Bates doing sending Anna something like this?

William was listening but all the time his hands were exploring the strange gift. To be worn on the chest, Mr Carson had said, which seemed very odd indeed. He lifted up the item and gave it a tentative sniff before holding it close to his lips and carefully sticking his tongue out, allowing it to rest briefly on the candy. There was a strange fizzing sensation followed by a fruity taste. After the initial fizzy shock, William realised it was rather pleasant and gave it another (albeit shy) lick.

Anna's frown deepened at Mr Carson's attempt at an explanation. She watched William taste the gift and turned back to Mr Carson. How on earth was that meant for the chest? What was it meant to cover? And why had Mr Bates sent it to her?

"Is it some sort o' vest?" William asked. "It's rather small for a vest for a woman though."

Anna studied the item again and suddenly it all fell into place. "Surely you don't mean it's a…..?" she gestured vaguely across her own chest with her hands.

Mrs Hughes' mouth fell open as the penny dropped, she shot a look at Mr Carson, "That can't be what it is….."

"What? What is it?" asked William, his tongue still fizzing from the taste of the candy.

Carson tried not to be too obviously flustered as he racked his brains for a sensible answer. How did he explain that he knew what it must do? But of course, that wasn't what they had asked, and he must simply do his best to deflect any attention from that. Having to explain it didn't help, of course, but perhaps he could twist that...

"That's exactly what it is," he said, trying very hard to look indifferent, and failing very badly indeed. "I ought to confiscate this, Anna, but for now I will not do more than ask Mr Bates for an explanation. I'm sure it's something very simple."

Something very simple? O'Brien snorted, and covered it up with a cough. To think Mr Bates could have such a side to him as this! She'd thought he was all dull propriety and nobility. But one look at Anna and it was clear she'd no idea what was going on. What in the world was Bates expecting of her?

The question continued to resound in Daisy's head. She always had been slow to let go of something, and this was all so very odd, she just had to know more. "Why would Mr Bates be sendin' you somethin' like this?"

"Erm….." Anna couldn't help but feel a little panicked at the thought of Mr Carson confiscating her gift, it was her gift after all and really, she hadn't intended to open it like this! She had a good mind to snatch it out of William's hands and stalk out of the room, but Mrs Hughes and Mr Carson looked very determined and she really didn't dare.

"What is it?" William asked, his frustrations rising.

"Oh, I'm sure it's all very innocent," Anna protested, wondering if she was defending herself or Mr Bates, "there must be a simple explanation…I mean are you sure it's a….?"

"A what?" William pleaded.

"Anna, you know as well as I do that's exactly what it is!" Mrs Hughes said pointedly. "I mean, look at the shape!"

"Please tell me what it is!" William practically begged.

"But….it's rather…I don't know!" Anna sighed, this was all so odd and so very unlike John. "I aint seen anythin' like it before!"

William's hands tightened on the gift, his tongue still fizzing softly. He couldn't for the life in him work out what this could be! It was so delicate and small, how would that work on a lady's chest? What would a lady want to cover up on her chest….?

"…but it's so uncomfortable and tight lookin'!" Anna was saying.

William's heart stopped, his hands went suddenly rather sweaty and he felt himself tremble in realisation. He was holding a…..oh he couldn't even think it! His hands trembled and the candy's vibrated in his grasp.

"William….?" Anna asked worriedly.

"Whatever's the matter, boy?" Mrs Hughes demanded.

William gulped, his sweaty palms sticking awkwardly to the candy. "Have I just licked a boulder-holder?"

O'Brien turned to stare at William, she'd known he was a soft lad but using words like that was taking things a bit far. "It's a bra, y'know, y' might as well say it." Then she caught sight of Anna out of the corner of her eye. She looked very uncomfortable...

"Daisy's got a good question," Miss O'Brien said, and Carson tore his eyes away from the cupper. He really ought to be playing the head of the staff instead of some insensible lunatic.

"That'd be the day," Mrs Patmore interjected, while Daisy looked pleased at the apparent compliment, but Carson ignored them both. Instead he continued Miss O'Brien's thought. If he got to the bottom of this, perhaps he could restore sensibility to the staff and limit the effect on efficient working.

"Anna... why did Mr Bates send this to you?"

William blushed furiously at Miss O'Brien's use of the word br-….no, he couldn't even think the word let alone say it! His hands were trembling with nerves and usually when he was nervous, he would fiddle with something in his hands. So it was purely a natural instinct to let his fingers caress the br—boulder holder.

Anna flashed Miss O'Brien a furious glare, trust that spiteful creature to make something out of Daisy's innocent comment! She felt the colour rising in her cheeks as every eye (well apart from William's) fell upon her. How was she meant to answer that? She had no idea why John would send her a bra! What was he thinking? It was so unlike him and though it was a little worrying he was thinking of her breasts in that way, it was also rather thrilling.

"Why shouldn't Mr Bates send Anna a gift?" William asked before Anna could answer. "He must have seen it and thought of Anna….perhaps he felt her…puppies needed some…..support?"

"William," Mrs Hughes began, frowning lightly at his obvious discomfort, "it's alright to be embarrassed," she flashed a glare at Miss O'Brien, "it shows you were raised properly. But perhaps you could at least try to use the correct terminology? 'Puppies'…" she winced, "seems a tad inappropriate as was the rest of your comment!"

William merely blushed further, "I'm sorry, I will try, Mrs Hughes. But, why shouldn't Mr Bates send Anna a gift?"

Mrs Hughes, along with every other eye turned back to look at Anna, she raised an eyebrow in the young maid's direction. "Hmm, yes, why exactly is Mr Bates sending you…," she pointed vaguely at the cupper, "that?"

"I really don't know!" Anna answered, and it was true, she was completely perplexed as to why Mr Bates would send her something so….well….naughty!

Daisy tried not to stare at William too obviously. Puppies? What in the world did he mean by that? What did dogs have to do with all this? Perhaps the... the bra, was some kind of dog basket? Maybe

"boulder" was some kind of slang for dogs. Why wasn't any of this making sense? There had to be some reason for it, surely William wouldn't be talking nonsense like this and everyone seemed to understand. Was there anything she wasn't too simple for?

O'Brien watched Anna as carefully as if she was in a play. The scene was becoming very interesting, and she seemed to be genuinely confused by Mr Bates sending her such a thing as this. She had to admit that she'd not thought him likely to be so forward and open, and he was too bleeding noble to try anything with Anna before they got married, although if she believed what that other lady's maid had said, he'd not always been like that. But it was odd. If Anna had known about it she wouldn't have let anyone find out, but her certainty that it came from Mr Bates was incriminating. The situation couldn't be too complicated for her to extract some useful information, surely.

Mrs Patmore tried not to look, but as soon as nobody was looking in her direction, she couldn't help herself. Why would Mr Bates have felt that Anna needed support, as William suggested? She had a fine figure, not unlike the one Mrs Patmore had had as a girl. None of this made sense. Why was Mr Bates sending Anna things like this, where was he getting them, and did they do deliveries themselves?

Carson kept his eye on Anna as she helplessly defended herself. He ought to get to the bottom of this, he really should. It was such an odd incident that he perhaps ought to even report it to her Ladyship, although he somehow didn't believe that Anna had any blame in this, and yet he couldn't think it of Mr Bates either. That was unfortunate, the man had proven himself an excellent confidante and if he wanted to ask for such an item there would be nobody else he could trust. Nonetheless, he had to do something.

"William, give that to me. I want a closer look." Who said you couldn't mix business and pleasure?

Anna was beginning to feel rather flustered, she watched in helpless dismay as William handed over the bra to Mr Carson. She really ought to remove herself and that bra from the whole situation; she had every intention of writing a rather brisk letter to John demanding to know what he was expecting of her with regards to this strange item.

Did he want her to wear it? No…she couldn't!

Maybe he wanted to see her wearing nothing but it….No! She couldn't!

It was edible….maybe he wanted to….eat it off her….No! Surely not! She couldn't!

Could she? If it was what he wanted then…..well, she'd do anything for him. Even wear an edible bra.

"My, my!" Mrs Hughes sighed, moving closer to Mr Carson. "It's a rather interesting piece is it not?"

She couldn't help but be intrigued by such an item, in all her years she'd never seen a sight quite like this, and she'd seen her fair share of sights and no mistake! But this….this was certainly interesting and it rather thrilled her. Mr Carson seemed to be enjoying it too….

"Maybe Mr Bates wants to see Anna's blouse bunnies ? Maybe this…br-br-br-brr-ah is his way of tellin' Anna he likes her doorknobs and wants to inspect 'em closer?" William said suddenly.

Mrs Hughes' mouth dropped open and Anna gazed at him in shock. She'd never expected William to say such a thing and clearly, Mrs Hughes felt exactly the same.

"William!" Mrs Hughes exclaimed.

"I-I-I'm so sorry! I don't know what came over me!" William cried, mortified by his previous speech.

Anna frowned and put one hand on her hip and faced the group, "Do you think he does? Do you think Mr Bates wants to see me wearing that?"

O'Brien had to admit to being almost shocked by William's words. To hear such a soft lad speak in such a down-to-earth way was strange, but there was a little normality in it from those names he used. Only William.

She turned to Anna at the question; she could hardly ignore such an opportunity to dig it in. Nobody could be unaware of Anna's relationship with Mr Bates after this, and after what they'd put her

and Thomas through over the last couple of years they deserved this. "He is a bloke, you know, whether you like it or not. They've got needs, and wants, and they expect things from their women. This might be a big ask, dependin' on whether you're into that yourself, but that's men for you."

Carson ignored the lack of even so much as a "present company excepted" on that statement, and had to confess, although only to himself, that to a certain degree it was true. If he had a lover - it

was impossible to believe that Mr Bates and Anna were anything less - and he had come across something like this, he wouldn't be able to help fantasising. But would he send it to her? Of course not! And Mr Bates was such a rational, sensible man! There must be something else to it.

Mrs Patmore didn't say anything, but nodded her agreement with Miss O'Brien's words. Men could be rats, and the sooner Anna learned that the better. Look at William! Who could have thought he'd be able to think of such things, and there was Daisy staring at him like a hopelessly lovelorn mongoose. When would these girls learn how little love had for them? She'd been the one receiving odd lingerie in the post once, and never had she been able to turn back. The girls would

do well to stop their dozing over men and work hard instead.

Anna frowned and sighed heavily. She had to admit that this was all so strange and so new to her! Yes, she was in love with John – madly so – yet, she just didn't have him down as one of those sorts of men. He'd never hinted at such things before, he'd always been a gentleman, always been polite and careful with her, sure he'd occasionally got a little over exuberant during their sparse moments of intimacy but nothing that would ruin her reputation. Even that time he'd thrust her against the wall of the pantry and let his hand roam places that barely saw the light of day let alone be….groped in such a way, even then, he'd apologised afterwards and smiled shyly at her. She'd been shocked but thrilled, she had every intention of encouraging that, but this….this was a whole new level. Maybe she didn't understand men at all.

"I…it just seems so strange. I don't know what to think!" Anna admitted; her soft features contorted in confusion. "I mean, do men really want us women to wear such things? It just doesn't seem like John to ask this of me."

"Anna," Mrs Hughes began, her tone almost accusatory, "is there something you want to tell us? Something about you and Mr Bates?"

Anna shook her head, eyes widening in horror as she realised she was being slowly backed into a corner.

"Anna…." Mrs Hughes continued, "is there? Are you and Mr Bates courtin'?"

No!" Anna cried, then stopped. "That is….a little."

"A little?"

"That is….we are a bit…."

Mrs Hughes raised an eyebrow in annoyance.

"Well….yes, we're courtin'."

Mrs Hughes' eyes narrowed slightly.

"I mean…we're engaged," Anna said, her tone as defiant as she dared. "To be married," she clarified, more for Daisy and William's benefit than anyone else.

There was a collective gasp about the room and strangely Anna felt rather triumphant.

"Well, I never!" Mrs Hughes exclaimed softly.

O'Brien couldn't help being surprised, anyone could have guessed that there was something going on between those two - well, apparently not everyone, but this lot were the doziest in the county - but she hadn't realised they'd got this far, wasn't Bates married? And she'd never have thought Anna to have the balls to announce it like this. It didn't change a thing though, men were toads and besides, she didn't like Anna or Bates in the first place. What would she be doing caring

about all this as more than a story, and perhaps blackmail material if it was ever needed?

Daisy's eyes widened at the declaration. Engaged to be married! How romantic! She'd known that Anna and Mr Bates were good friends, of course, but she'd had no idea they were in love! It was all so thrilling, of course they would get married as soon as Mr Bates came home from the war, and they'd waste no time in having lots of children to fill their own home, and... oh, it was just so beautiful! When would Daisy ever have something like that? She was sure William barely knew she existed, and she deserved it really, but wouldn't it be romantic if he could forgive her, and they could get engaged too?

Carson tried not to let his thoughts show on his face as he pondered the situation. How in the world did he handle this? Of course there had been the odd secret relationship before, but that was always along the lines of a scullery maid and a hall boy, never anybody as high up and proven trustworthy as Anna and Mr Bates. And besides, they had proven that it wouldn't affect their work, hadn't they? Of course there had been times when Anna had seemed especially worried, often coinciding with reports from France, but she'd pulled herself together and worked hard. Mr Bates was no longer under his jurisdiction, and Anna was needed here. There was nothing to be done about it. He could only seem stern, find some form of punishment, and hope that was enough.

"How long has this been going on?"

Anna felt her colour rise further and she was sure she was panting with nerves. She was suddenly thinking that telling everyone (O'Brien of all people!) that she was engaged to Mr Bates, but it was true wasn't it? From the look on Mr Carson's face, it had not been her wisest move, for a start such things were forbidden and then of course there was the small fact that John was not here to either defend himself or support her. He was such a private man, he would not approve of her announcing their romance to all and sundry without his knowledge.

What if she'd just ruined their relationship and lost her job?

"Well…..a few months, Mr Carson," Anna stammered, "but it won't affect our work; it hasn't so far, has it?"

Mrs Hughes felt the need to step in at this point, "Mr Carson, I hope you don't think me speaking out of turn, but perhaps this conversation should be done in private?" She cast a glance at Miss O'Brien who was simply fizzing with this new gossip and as for Daisy…. "Even with this new…information…it still doesn't really explain why Mr Bates would send Anna such a gift in such an untidy fashion. It seems very odd even if they are intended to be married."

Anna let herself relax a little, it seemed Mrs Hughes was more inclined to be supportive of her so far but she had a point, what was John thinking of sending her such a gift? Maybe it was the sort of thing married people did, maybe wearing it would be another of her wifely duties?

William had been listening carefully, it was all starting to make sense now, Anna and Mr Bates had always seemed close and to discover they were to be married was wonderful news. It offered him some hope, if Mr Bates, a man with a cane could bag a catch like Anna then there was hope for blind footman like him. Maybe he could entice Daisy after all?

And what should a man who loved his intended dearly send her? Well, he should send her a gift that he could benefit from too. Flowers and brooches were all well and good but they had no use for a man, whereas a….br-bra could serve both man and wife. It was the perfect gift.

"Oh well it's obvious then aint it?" William cried triumphantly as it all became clear. "Mr Bates has sent this as a hint that this is what he expects from Anna. He wants her to house her cannonballs in this nice little hammock."

Had William really just said that? Not using the words was one thing, but it made no difference if he was going to speak in this way. Such talk was entirely indecent, especially with the women present, and Carson turned a glare to William to silence him. Then he remembered that the lad was blind and therefore immune, so he resorted to a very stern "Enough of that, thank you." But what ought he to do? It seemed so hopeless. The discussion about the relationship, of course, ought to wait until later, but so much was happening right now that it was growing harder to keep his head. And the others had a point. Mr Bates had always been such a sensible, reasonable man. Carson certainly didn't want to know the details, but why would Bates send such a thing to Anna, in such a way? There was something fishy going on, he was sure of it.

O'Brien would have been furious at that quick cap old Hughsie put on the discussion, she would have liked to see how it turned out and manipulate it to go the way she wanted. It'd be good to have a real hold over Anna and Bates again, she was fed up of them and their moral high ground. There was little she could do about that now, but William may have opened up an opportunity. Who'd have thought the boy would be useful for something? "That'd be it, William," she said,

with a side-glance in Anna's direction to catch her reaction. "Some men, 'specially th' more experienced ones, they expect things that ordinary men wouldn't dream of askin' of their lovers. Mr Bates is quite experienced, I think, isn't he, Anna? Must be 'ard t' think y' can't match 'im in that."

Miss O'Brien had hit a nerve with Anna. It was the one thing she secretly feared, that she wouldn't match up to John's previous experiences. The fact he was so much more experienced than she was thrilled and terrified her in equal measures for she had no real idea as to what he expected of her and if this gift was anything to go by, then he had high expectations indeed. Miss O'Brien was right, she could not match him in that at all, how was she to know what to do?

"Do you really think Mr Bates wants me to wear that?" Anna asked, frowning lightly as her insecurities showed themself, how were you even meant to get into it and then…how would you get out of it again? "I mean, it's so…small! Is that really what men want?"

"Anna," Mrs Hughes said, her tone more gentle and motherly than before, "men are strange creatures, make no mistake, I can't speak from real experience but I've heard that men can make strange requests of their wives. As a woman you just have to get on with it and deal with it the best you can, no matter how odd the request may be."

Mrs Hughes' eyes returned to the strange bra still being held (rather tenderly) by Mr Carson. She wondered if she could get her hands on such an item, one could amuse oneself most highly with such an item. She had half a mind to take it and wear it herself, how thrilling it would be to walk about the house with that little number settled firmly beneath the dowdy uniform! It would be a most enjoyable experience, she was sure of that!

"Well I must say I'm surprised at Mr Bates," William stated loudly, completely oblivious to Mr Carson's disapproving tone, "he never took me as a hooters man. But then again, who knows! For all I know, you ladies could be often thinkin' of a man's…Albert, all the time!"

Every eye fell on William in horror and shock and he certainly sensed it. He flushed red and began to perspire profusely about his hairline.

"William," Mrs Hughes said with a sharp intake of breath, "that is quite enough! I can safely say that we have not thought of your…." she closed her eyes at the word she was about to say, "Albert in any way shape or form and I'll thank you for not speaking like that again!"

"I'm sorry but this doesn't help me!" Anna said in exasperation. "What am I to do about this?"

"You've just got t' rise to it," O'Brien suggested, perhaps not even a little nastily. Still, the girl had to learn sooner or later not to be so daft about all this, and she didn't feel any kind o' sympathy but it did seem to be her own lot to make sure the younger girls knew what they were doing. It weren't as if old Hughes would be much use there, and a part of her (a very small part) almost wanted to look out for them. Even Anna, once upon a time, had been not only tolerable but someone just high-standing enough to gossip to. "Y' might surprise 'im by wearin' this on th' very first night, that is if you've not already...? Only this seems very bold for if you 'aven't..."

"That's enough," Carson said quickly, feeling the need to stop this at once. Heaven forbid that Miss O'Brien should begin giving Anna advice about that right here in the servants' hall. There was a time and a place, except perhaps for this there wasn't. He really was failing at managing his staff today.

Daisy and Mrs Patmore, meanwhile, were having a whispered conversation about what a man wanted and how much a woman ought to give him. Daisy's mother had never explained any of this, it seemed, and Mrs Patmore was explaining the situation without any success whatsoever.

Perhaps, she decided, it didn't matter much for now. So she turned back to the others, having overheard Miss O'Brien's comment, and wondered if Anna would be a more understanding recipient of her wisdom. "Aye," she said, "you 'ave t' be careful wi' the 'ole lot of 'em. But do it right an' you'll never be wantin' fer comfort, I can tell yer. If 'e knows what's good for 'im."

Anna gasped at Miss O'Brien. Did they all think that? Did they think she was the type of girl to give herself to a man without a wedding ring on her finger?

"No! We haven't...we wouldn't...that is, not yet," Anna stammered. "I couldn't wear it on our first night..."

Was that really what John wanted? Did he want her to wear it on their wedding day? The thought of wearing it underneath her outfit was rather thrilling as was the thought of the look on his face. And what did Mrs Patmore mean about never wanting for comfort? And just what did she have to 'do right'? Suddenly marriage was sounding more worrying by the second.

"Anna," Mrs Hughes said, her tone gentle, "men may woo you with gifts and compliments but from what I understand, that all changes in the marital bed. A man will expect a lot from his wife once the curtains are drawn and a good wife will endure it with no questions. I suppose you wish to please him?"

"Oh, yes! Yes, of course I do!" Anna exclaimed. She wanted to be a good wife to John and of course she wanted to please him in any way she could.

"Then I think you will have to wear that." Mrs Hughes said simply.

Anna frowned lightly and faced the women of the room. The wedding night was becoming a more worrying prospect with each passing minute. She'd never imagined that dressing up would be a part of their wedding night. She was expecting to lay beneath the sheets whilst he did what he needed to do, she had no idea that she'd be required to...act.

"So, you think I should wear this? You think he'll like it?" Anna asked.

"Oh yes, he'll enjoy seeing your garden and your flowers!" William answered.

"Rubbish," scorned Mrs Patmore. "Course yer want to please 'im, but if yer give everythin' 'e wants first go, you'll never look back. Take some control fer yerself, an' you've got a shot at keepin' it." What did Mrs Hughes know about this? Mrs Patmore knew all about men and the way they worked. Anna would do herself much more good to stay in charge.

O'Brien didn't want to agree with Mrs Patmore by any standards, but the woman had a point. And she was saying this entirely to be right and not at all to look out for Anna. "Y' can't let any bit of yer

life be run by a bloke, they don't know what's good for 'em. It's your job to let 'im know that there's got t' be give from both ends, that's all."

Daisy watched the discussion, bewildered. What was it that you were supposed to give your husband in the first place? Why was it such a great question that Mr Bates had sent Anna this, why would he want her to wear it? Surely he wouldn't want her to be uncomfortable? And why

were Mrs Patmore and Miss O'Brien so insistent on Anna sticking up for herself - surely Mr Bates wouldn't be unkind to her? It was all such a confusion! And to say so would be to look like a simpleton. She didn't want William to think she was that, when he obviously knew so

much about it.

Carson wondered how in the world he ought to handle this situation. As head of staff, he should put a stop to it at once - somehow. But he was rather curious about the woman's views on the marital bed, and it didn't seem pertinent for his own sake to stop this. Instead, he could even encourage it. "But a man's needs must be met. Otherwise he will be left dissatisfied, and you surely don't want to do that? A decent man will be considerate of your desires, as long as you are of

his. Is that not a fair bargain?"

Anna listened carefully to Miss O'Brien and Mrs Patmore, how did they know so much about men and their workings? And what did they mean about taking control of things? How was she to know what to take control of and what if he didn't want her to take control?

But it was Mr Carson who shocked her the most.

What was he meaning? She had no intention of leaving John dissatisfied but then, when she was so unsure of all these things, how was she to know what pleased him and what didn't?

The answer seemed obvious.

"Right, am goin' t' wear it!" she said firmly. "But not on the first night. I'll save that for another night and I'll tell 'im straight - if he wants me to do...things then 'es goin' t' 'ave to see to my needs first."

Anna felt rather proud of herself but was suddenly hit by some doubts. "What needs should I have?" she asked with a frown. "Are you meaning needs around the house? Because, really I prefer to be in control of things like that myself."

O'Brien rolled her eyes almost involuntarily. Didn't the girl know anything? Although she supposed Anna'd never have thought of such a thing. After all, who could be genuinely attracted to old Bates?

"Y' just need t' make sure 'e's satisfyin' you in whatever way y' need 'im to. What y' want from 'im might just change after you've been married for a bit," she said, trying not to imagine what Anna might find herself wanting. That definitely wasn't something O'Brien wanted to be thinking about in any form.

Carson shook his head heavily; they really didn't understand this, did they? How was a man to satisfy a woman when he wasn't able to feel satisfied himself? Not that Mr Bates was likely to be dissatisfied with Anna in his bed, but that was a train of thought he wasn't going to get on board with. Anyway, the anticipation and then questioning whether it was going to happen at all would make the experience better; he could assure that as the result of plenty of fantasy.

"Never mind that," he said, feeling that he was standing up for not only Mr Bates but all of mankind. "Prolonging the anticipation will make the experience much better. You certainly should wait a few days at least."

"Oh, yes," William agreed, "keep him thinking and wanting it. That way, when you appear in that br-br-brrr-aah he will be so thankful to yer! It's all about excitement, yer know, like Christmas."

Anna nodded solemnly; this was starting to become a bit clearer, even if she was getting advice from the likes of Mr Carson, William and Miss O'Brien! So, it was all about anticipation, making him want her and making sure she was in control. It was an awful lot to remember!

"But, you must remember Anna not to do something you are not comfortable with. Don't let 'im bully you, not that I think he would, but men can be strange creatures. Make sure you make time for you….for your womanly needs," Mrs Hughes added, casting a glance at Mr Carson. "If he's a good man, which I'm sure he is, then he will make sure you are just as satisfied as he is…in the marital bed."

Anna looked at Mrs Hughes with a slight frown shadowing her features, what would she know of womanly needs?

"And you really think this bra will satisfy him? Should I just put it on and show him it or should I do….more?"

Carson tried very hard to avoid looking back at Mrs Hughes as she spoke, very aware of the brief moment her eyes had rested on him. He had certainly imagined himself satisfying her in the marriage bed from time to time, but he'd thought of that with many women, and he'd rather not feel too close to Mrs Hughes, his friend and equal, with whom it might have happened, as this conversation went on.

"It might be best to try not to be too self-conscious about it," he advised Anna, "if you act like it's no extraordinary occurrence then he'll do the same and it'll be easier for the both of you. I'm sure he'll want you to be as comfortable as possible with what happens between you, and if you're nervous it will throw him off."

Once Mr Carson's long and dramatic speech was over with, O'Brien shook her head. "Not a chance," she said. "You've got to make it clear that this is a big favour. Otherwise he'll expect that kind o' thing all th' time, an' you 'ave to 'ave some normality if y' want it all t' stay healthy."

Anna looked at Mr Carson and then at Miss O'Brien. Who was she meant to listen to? Mr Carson was a man, he understood how men worked, he would know what got a man going in the bedroom and in all honesty, that was what Anna really wanted to know - how to get John going.

But then Miss O'Brien was in favour with Lady Grantham and her bedroom prowess was legendary, if anyone would know it would be Miss O'Brien.

So, keep him guessing and make him think he owed her for such favours.

"This is starting to become a bit clearer," Anna said thoughtfully. "There's so much to think about! I wish I didn't know it in some ways but I'm so glad now that I do. I'd never have known what to do with that bra!"

"Aye, it's certainly a...different gift; I'll say that of Mr Bates, he knows how to surprise!" Mrs Hughes said exhaling loudly. "I'd say you're in for an interesting marriage!"

Anna tried to smile but the thought of all those years of marriage, all those surprises! It was such a lot to think about!

"I 'ope 'e don't 'ave too many surprises for me! I'd like to get some sleep during our marriage!"

It was a feeble attempt at a joke but she was genuinely worried now. She had no idea women had to play such games in their marriages!

"Are you still worried about wearing that bra?" Mrs Hughes asked with some motherly affection.

"A little," Anna admitted.

"Then, Mr Carson, would you perhaps indulge me with a little role play? It may help Anna out." Mrs Hughes asked. "I shall be Anna, you can be Mr Bates. How would you ask me to wear such an item?"

"Oh, goody!" William cried happily. "A play!"

Carson's eyes widened at the question and he looked away quickly, very aware of the deep blush spreading across his face. What was Mrs Hughes thinking? Didn't she know that such a sight would never be objectionable to him, and that he must, therefore, object? Suppose the others took it too far. Suppose he took it too far.

"I really don't think that's necessary, Mrs Hughes," he said in his best 'I'm a professional' voice. "Some things are best left private. But you see there's a drawing with the packaging, a demonstration of how it ought to be worn. Surely that would be enough for you, Anna?"

O'Brien didn't bother to make a noise of derision. It was obvious why Mr Carson really didn't want Mrs Hughes to wear that thing, but honestly she'd rather not have to bear witness to the sight herself. If Anna really needed a demonstration, she could show the girl herself later if need be. Anything to prevent seeing Mrs Hughes getting her boobs out.

Anna studied the packaging closely, glad of the distraction from Mrs Hughes' outlandish suggestion of demonstrating the bra. She might be inexperienced but she could figure a bra out without any help from anyone.

"No, Mr Carson," Mrs Hughes continued, "you mistake me. I'm sure Anna has enough brains to work out how to wear it. What I was suggesting is, you perhaps could tell us how Mr Bates may request Anna to wear such an item, how the little moment might play out?"

Mrs Hughes flashed him a pointed look; honestly the man could be such a buffoon at times. All he had to do was make a few demands and she- Anna - would be a quivering mess. This was all for Anna's benefit of course, not hers, Anna's.

"Oh, no!" Anna exclaimed, desperate to not experience a Mrs Hughes lesson in love. "This ain't necessary...really...I'll be fine...I'll just put it on underneath my clothes and make sure the light is out. I'm sure that'll be enough for him."

"'Course it will," O'Brien said, although if the men she'd known were anything to go by it wouldn't be anything like enough. But maybe Mr Bates was as different to those kinds of men in bed as he was out of it. Of course, if she believed what she'd been told, time was he wasn't that different from the men she used to know. Not that she cared.

Was this a normal conversation between women? And if so, why would they have it now? For that matter, Carson countered himself, if it wasn't why would they have it now? Why did he have to be here for this?

"Indeed," he said, trying desperately to squash the rising thoughts that apparently saw fit to attack and destroy his sanity. "I am sure he will find that most satisfactory."

"Well I don't agree!" William said loudly. "What's the point o' orderin' a fancy br-br-braaah if all yer goin' t' do is wear it under yer clothes in the dark?" he shook his head in disbelief. "if I had me eyes, I'd want t' see it in all its glory, then I'd want to feel it and finally I'd want to taste it. Whilst it was still on yer."

"William!" Mrs Hughes exclaimed, "that's really quite enough!"

"Oh, no, Anna! I didn't mean you, I don't want t'see you in it! I were meanin' in general like. If I had a girl is what I really mean. And me eyes," William explained hurriedly.

"That actually makes sense," Anna said with a touch of disbelief. "I mean, it's so pretty and very cleverly made, I'd say it's more decorative than supportive."

"There's no support with that, that's for sure!" Mrs Hughes agreed. "And William does have a point. Mr Bates will want to see you in it. The light must be left on."

Anna thought carefully, Miss O'Brien's advice kept coming back to her. "I shall tell him I'm wearing it under my clothes and if he's lucky I'll show him later. That way, I'm in control and I'm keeping him guessing. How does that sound?"

Daisy had been quiet for a while, but William's words caught her attention. If he had a girl of his own, he'd said. Could that girl possibly ever be her? But the things he was saying, they were so odd! How could he taste something like this while a girl was wearing it? It must be dreadful to have someone's mouth that intimately on your shoulders and back! Goodness, all this was so strange! And William was like that? It was almost terrifying. But she wanted him to be like that with her.

O'Brien contemplated what Anna had said a little more thoroughly than she might normally have done. Was she going soft or something, actually caring what happened to Anna in the bedroom? Except she didn't care, no, of course not. She only wanted all the gossip she could get, and anything to Mr Bates' disadvantage was a bonus.

"That's th' way t' keep 'im keen," she said, deciding that it was best for now just to agree. "Y' don't want t' let 'im get bored, but y' can't give in too much too quick. You ought to 'old back as long as yer can."

Anna gave a sigh of relief, she felt a lot better now about the whole thing and she was even feeling rather excited about it all. In fact, she was getting plenty of ideas in her mind as to how she could thrill John in the bedroom and still keep in control. Who knew Miss O'Brien could be so useful? Although the advice about holding back didn't seem the best idea, she never wanted to hold anything back from John, but as long as it was on her terms, she couldn't go far wrong! Prudently though, she refrained from disagreeing with Miss O'Brien.

"This has been so helpful! I don't feel worried about it now at all! In fact, I'm rather excited!" Anna grinned. "Though I must say, it seems rather unfair that I must be the one to dress up. I wonder if there is such a thing for a man?"

William coughed lightly at Anna's suggestion. Whatever could there be for a man to wear that could be anything like that...brrraaa?

Mrs Hughes chuckled and turned mischievously towards Mr Carson, a glint in her eye.

"What a good question Anna! Mr Carson, do you know the answer? Can such a thing be fashioned for a man to wear? Made of candy, of course."

Carson, for a moment, contemplated what an item like this, except designed for men, might be like. Then he forced himself out of the fantasy and tried to think of a sensible way to answer.

There wasn't a chance of finding a way to do that, though, with such a question. "I imagine it could, if you knew where to look. I suppose the shop this came from would provide such an item, if you requested it."

Mrs Hughes smiled, "I suppose you're right, Mr Carson."

"Well, I don't know about you, but this talk of women's clothing has made me rather hungry. Mrs Patmore, any chance of one of your delicious cherry buns?" William asked, a daft grin spreading across his face.

Mrs Patmore looked up from where she had been observing the latter part of the conversation in unusual silence, comparing everything that was said to her own experiences and coming up with surprising results, and nodded, deliberately ignoring the innuendo that was all too obvious. "There's probably something," she said. "Daisy! Run and get the pies we meant for tomorrow. Not the meat ones!" she added as Daisy took her at her word and ran off.

"If you don't mind, I'll leave you all to it," Carson said, and made good his escape. He had plenty to think about.

Two minutes later, he took a seat in his pantry, got out a pen and paper, and began to write.

Dear Mr Bates,

I write regarding a very improper parcel you recently sent to our establishment. A parcel, addressed very poorly, and may I say, very I'll-advised, that was meant for Anna.

I'm writing as I wonder if you would obtain another one for me. I don't ask for myself but on a purely professional basis you understand...

**Next – The Crack! continues…..**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

John sat back in his chair, reading through the letter again. So it had found its way home. He'd been a fool to hope otherwise, really, but Warren had sworn the address was nothing a postman could go by. What must Anna think of him? And of course, the others had seen. They could hardly have missed the fact of his relationship with Anna now. And the way Mr Carson had written made it very clear that he knew.

And on that note, what in the world was the man thinking? Asking him to get hold of another - he would never have thought it of Mr Carson, the most sensible, properly-minded man he knew. Some small part of him began to wonder what he would do with such a thing, but he very quickly oppressed that thought.

Anna must have guessed that the parcel had come from him. What in the world must she think of him now?

Meanwhile, Robert was sitting at his desk, the letter held firmly between his hands. He couldn't quite believe that this was happening, after months of being stuck out in France, he was finally being given leave to go home. It was the answer to all his prayers.

He hated being away from Downton, he missed his wife and daughters terribly, fighting the Boer's had been horrendous but this, this was far worse, and he wanted out. It had seemed such a good idea to offer his services to this war but now, with no end in sight, he regretted his foolish male pride.

But, all that was irrelevant now, he could go home and see his family and perhaps gain a little perspective, and of course it meant he could spend some quality time with Cora, and that was what was keeping him going.

Opening his little desk drawer he smiled as saw the waiting parcel, wrapped delightfully in cream coloured paper and tied with an impressive pink silk bow. Robert thought, thanks to Little Miss Fancy's, this would be the best leave he had ever had.

Slamming the drawer shut, he pushed aside some very naughty thoughts and quickly got to his feet. He had to tell Bates the good news and something told him, Bates would be just as happy to go home as he was.

John pondered the absurdity of his letter as he read through it yet again. It really was the most ridiculous thing he'd read in a very long time. He still couldn't wrap his head around it. Mr Carson wanted a... a cupper! What on earth for? Why did he keep asking that question, when it was the last thing he wanted to know? But he just couldn't get his head around it. It was ridiculous. There were just no words.

There was something else, though, nagging at the back of his mind and forcing its way forward as he tried and failed to hold it back. The letter had brought forward memories that he tried to avoid except for the most precious of times.

He wanted to go home.

Robert's feet echoed noisily along the stark corridor as he marched towards his valet and fellow comrade's room. He knew Bates would still be awake as he hadn't sent for him yet and he knew, like him, he was being troubled by the way this wretched war was going. Robert was certain this news would lift his spirits, it was exactly what he needed, and judging by that gift Bates had bought, Bates was in need of a visit home just as much as he was!A bet indeed! Robert understood a man's carnal lusts more than anyone, that was no bet, that gift was a cry for help and Robert was about to be the one to give it to him."Bates!" he exploded, bursting the door open. "I have excellent news! How do you fancy a visit home?"

Bates barely managed to keep from jumping out of his skin at the sudden noise, somehow catching himself in time and setting down his pen and rising in a more appropriate fashion.

"That sounds wonderful, sir," he managed, stumbling a little on his words. Home? They were going home? His eyes flickered instinctively down to the letter he'd just begun writing to Anna, having put aside Mr Carson's for the time being in an attempt to get rid of the images it had provoked. He'd opened this one with wishing he could just see her again. To think he was going to see her, and soon!

Unbidden, an image flitted through his mind. It was an item, colourful, and flimsy, and made entirely of candy. Oh, and that was Anna's face, at the top of that very scantily clad body. He didn't

have a prayer in seeing her do anything of the like, but it was a nice image, all the same. Nonetheless, he had to force it out.

He was going home. That meant picnics, and long walks, and nights spent talking for hours in his bedroom. It meant peace like he'd not experienced in so long. It meant Anna.

He was going home.

Robert took a few moments to study Bates' room, the poor man had practically leapt out of his skin as he'd entered and now he understood why. Bates appeared to be in the middle of writing a letter, to Anna no doubt. "It will be wonderful," Robert agreed with a soft sigh. To go home, it was what every man in France wanted, to go home and be with their family in safety. He stood for a few moments, rocking back and forth on his heels, lost in thoughts of home. He would walk the grounds, drink whiskey in his library, eat dinner with his family and of course, spend lots of time with Cora. It would indeed be wonderful.

He nodded to the half-written letter on Bates' desk. "You can write and tell her the good news."

Without warning, the thought of that candy cupper came into his mind, he knew what he and Cora would be doing during his leave but would Bates be making use of that delightful number too? Perhaps Anna would visit him in the night wearing it, maybe they'd be making merry in the servants' quarters… Shaking away that thought, Robert cleared his throat and tugged at his collar a little. "I shall write to Cora shortly, tell her to expect us by the weekend. I expect the whole house will be thrilled at the news!" He thought for a moment, "It will be nice to see them again, all of them, Cora, the girls, Carson, Mrs Hughes… Anna."

He gave Bates a huge comedy wink at Anna's name, he had no doubt that Anna would be as thrilled as Cora and if Bates was like any bloke, he would be indulging in some serious candy related fun during his return home.

That wink very much embarrassed Bates, although of course he'd never have let it show. Did the Colonel really, honestly believe that he and Anna would do such things in his house, or could have managed it if they had been ready to? Heavens, what did he think they did?

It was best not to think about that. Best, but so difficult. Still, surely he could manage to deny himself at least while his commander was in the room?

Apparently not, he decided as a very strong image, one he had conjured on a particularly difficult, lonely night some weeks ago, rose in his mind. He wouldn't experience anything like it for many months, possibly even years, but it had comforted him then. And now, he only needed the comfort of knowing that in a few short days, he was going to be reunited with Anna again.

"Yes, sir," he said, constructively. Then he felt it was necessary to add something more substantial, and he'd rather direct the focus in another direction - any other direction - so he said, "It will be good to go home. When do we leave?"

Robert had lost himself for a moment, he was still rocking lightly on his heels and had now stuffed his hands firmly into his pockets. He had a great urge to hum happily as he lost himself to his thoughts.

The sight of Bates' letter had made Robert think. Back in his room was a rather beautiful parcel intended for his and Cora's eyes only. Now, here was the conundrum, should he write and inform her of his... plans, or should he surprise her on his return? There were benefits to both ideas, if he told her she would no doubt be ready, O'Brien would diligently see to it, but if he surprised her, well, the possibilities were endless! A night chase through the corridors, an afternoon frolic on his library desk, an evening of bath fun... though this may result in some dissolving... oh, so many opportunities!

He was pondering this when he realised Bates had asked him a direct question and was awaiting his answer. He felt himself flush lightly as he brought himself out of his daydream.

"Erm," he stammered, "I... that is, we... we leave on Thursday, we should be home for Saturday!"

How he longed to see Downton again, he was literally giddy at the thought of seeing his home once more, a home he loved almost as much as his wife. Almost, but not quite. Downton couldn't wear candy related items after all...

If only this damned war was over they could go home for good. What a blasted waste this whole thing was, a bloody farce! It was wrong for a man, an Englishman, to be kept from his home. Bloody wrong.

"It's a damned farce, this war, a damned farce! It's been too long since we were home, too long. But, I suppose there's little we can do, we must make the most of this visit, don't you agree, Bates?"

Because Robert had every intention of enjoying this leave.

Bates could certainly detect some very distant thoughts going on in the Colonel's mind. It was very impertinent of him to think such things about his commander, but he couldn't help feeling from the look in his eyes that he was going to live out some of the fantasies that John couldn't experience. A furious envy flooded him for a moment, but he got himself under control and reminded himself that he had Anna, and he wouldn't have given that up for the most phenomenal of experiences. Nonetheless, it would have been nice to have some experiences. And he couldn't stop thinking about that candy cupper.

Making the most of it! What he might do, if he was able to make the most of this leave...

Now he had to stop this, had to stop wishing for things that wouldn't come to pass for many months yet. Had to stop fantasising about that which he couldn't have. Had to stop thinking about that bra.

"I certainly do, sir," he said, "it would mean the world for all this to stop, but I suppose we must simply do the best we can." That was all they could ever do. It was never enough.

"Quite right, Bates, quite right," Robert agreed. He exhaled loudly and studied his valet's room- rather stark compared to his elegantly decked quarters, he wondered how the poor man stood it. The bare walls and narrow bed were enough to drive the sanest of men to distraction. He wondered why Bates wasn't climbing the walls in frustration! Well, not long now and Bates could be free to express himself in the comfort of Downton. Express himself freely. Yes, a free expression... just what every man needed.

"Bates," he began in a tone (he hoped) befitting a highly honoured Colonel, "take some time off, whilst we're home, I mean, I doubt I shall..." he coughed lightly, "need you much... certainly not at night anyway. So, take the evenings off... if you want," he coughed again, "I can arrange it for Anna to have time off with you? That's if you want...well, I'm sure you will, I mean, I'm sure Anna will..." he cleared his throat loudly in embarrassment. "Take time off, man! I won't hear any protests!"

Robert was sure he must be bright red with this conversation but it had to be said. He wanted his evenings free to be with Cora, he didn't want any interference from Bates and surely the poor man must want to... relieve his tensions and how better to do that than with Anna?

Carson wouldn't like it but, well, there it was! Men need relief!

Bates' thoughts on that particular idea were very mixed. He would certainly never object to more time with Anna, especially now it was so scarce, but he didn't want it to happen this way. Did that even make sense? He simply didn't want to ruin this, and he was afraid that he might if he had too much time with her.

"Thank you, sir," he said, "I very much appreciate the offer. But... I'm concerned that people would become suspicious that way, and I don't think we want anyone to know about us just yet." And that was a way to kill two birds with one stone, too - he imagined that the Colonel wouldn't see any harm in talking about his relationship with Anna rather a lot, and not entirely privately, while they were at home, especially considering the way he had been after finding out at first. Some of the others would be merciless towards Anna if they knew, and he wouldn't have her go through that alone.

Still. To have all that time with Anna... that was precious, and a wonderful gift to be given. If only he were able to accept.

Robert was about to explode at Bates, ask him if he'd lost his senses and encourage him to go and make merry at home with his blessings. He was just about to open his mouth when something held his tongue.

He felt rather foolish, of course Bates wasn't being ungrateful, he was being sensible! Robert had forgotten in his excitement that Bates was a private man. He wouldn't want his relationship with Anna emblazoned on the stable doors, nor would he want to be the butt of gossip from the likes of Mrs Patmore and the other servants. No, Bates was right, secrecy was key and Robert was the soul of discretion.

Why he'd kept many a secret... well, actually he hadn't. In fact, as he thought back, every secret he'd been told had always somehow found their way into the public domain. But then again, secrets were daft... everyone was most happy to learn of Carson's embarrassing problem, it did Carson good in the end because Mrs Patmore was able to rub in that ointment she had and cured it right up. Then, how was he to know that telling all his friends at the club about Lord Mayfair's penchant for wearing women's corsets would find it's way into every respectable society in England? So, he hadn't proven himself in the past as a good secret keeper, but here was the perfect chance to change that!

"Ah!" he exclaimed, exaggeratedly tapping the side of his nose and winking again. "I understand, Bates! You need not worry, you have my word! I shan't say a word... my lips are sealed! Your little romance with the delightful Anna shall be our secret and I am an excellent secret keeper! I won't breathe a word!"

He added another huge wink as if to prove his point. He grinned happily at himself before another thought struck him.

"Thinking about it, you don't want too much time with Anna. You've got to keep them keen, Bates, keep her wanting more! If you spend every minute with her, she'll get bored of you, but if you limit time together, she'll be all over you like Carson's rash!" Robert guffawed at this point, highly amused by his joke.

Bates managed to restrain his expression from contorting out of its usual impassiveness, but inside, he found himself rather shocked. Had the whole world gone mad? He was actually hearing the Colonel talking in such a way. There were simply no words to cover the thoughts running through his mind. 'Carson's rash'... He and Anna stood no chance of keeping their relationship a secret, did they?

Still. Keep them _keen_?

What in heaven's name was he supposed to do now? Act as the voice of reason? There was nothing reasonable about any of this! There was really nothing he could do to make this any less ridiculous.

He uttered a "thank you, sir" as some form of appeasement, but it didn't quite seem like that was going to calm things down much. Still, he had to try, didn't he?

What in the world would Anna say about this? She would be furious. And adding that cupper to the list of his recent blunders, and everyone having seen it as well... he barely stood any chance.

Although, of course! That meant that everyone at home already knew about their relationship. He wouldn't let Anna know it, but that came as a very great relief. At least the Colonel wouldn't destroy everything if (when; he knew that it was inevitable really) he let something slip. But Bates certainly would not let his commander know that the relationship was already common knowledge. Who knew what would be said, if he did?

What a mess. How on earth was he going to get through the absolute humiliation of the coming fortnight?

Robert was still chuckling to himself as Bates answered him. He really was a hoot, he decided, when he wasn't at home. He felt so free here, away from the constraints of his earldom, here he could be as he once was, a young man full of young men's desires and young men's humour! But then again, he wasn't a young man now was he?

This sobering thought brought him back to the present. Bates looked decidedly uncomfortable and Robert realised he was keeping him from writing down his declarations of love to his little lady back at Downton. "Anyway… I'm sure you're more than capable of… keeping Anna keen," Robert said, shifting awkwardly from one foot to the other. "Well, Bates, it's been a pleasure! I think I shall go back to my room now… got letters of my own to write! So…" Robert inhaled and looked about himself, "I shall go now…" He made for the door, stopped, turned and exclaimed, "Thursday then, my good man! Thursday..." He hurried out of the room with a great urge to see that parcel one more time and try and recapture some of his lost youth.

Bates stared after him for a good minute, completely bewildered. Whatever had just happened, it was completely over his head and quite possibly the most bizarre experience of his life - yes, much more so than the incident with that bra.

He was going to have to take a good few minutes to recover. He took a seat, and his eyes fell on the barely started letter on his desk. Should he tell Anna anything about that exchange? Certainly not; it

was bound to embarrass rather than amuse her, and he didn't want to get into any more trouble. He rather doubted that she would be very impressed with any more of these misfortunate encounters. He was only coming home for two weeks, and he wanted them to be nothing short of perfect.

He was going home.

xXx

The ride back to Downton had been a long, arduous one. The crossing from Calais had been rough, and now, they were stuck on an endless train journey back to Yorkshire with little to do but wait for the countryside to become familiar.

Robert was feeling edgy. Jittery, even. The parcel was safely stowed in his jacket pocket, it made his uniform look rather bulky, but he didn't want Bates to spot it during packing or unpacking.

Soon he would be home, back to being king of his castle and surrounded by those he loved. If only this blasted train would go quicker!

He had every intention of reacquainting himself with Cora the moment he got home. He just had to break that news to Bates, usually he would bathe after such a journey and granted, he wanted to rid himself thoroughly of France, but he intended to do that by bathing in Cora.

As the countryside became familiar he spoke to his valet as nonchalant as possible.

"I say, Bates," he began with some trepidation, "leave the unpacking for a little while. Go and catch up with the staff, I'm sure you'll have a lot to tell and they'll want to welcome you back too. Leave it till later, say, a good hour?"

Bates could hardly have mistaken what that hour was for, but he could only be grateful that that was all the Colonel intended to say on the matter. He had had quite enough of the way the man talked about certain things, and it was a great relief to see that he intended to do less of talking and more of doing.

Well, a relief in most ways.

But what that meant, occurred to him as he pondered it. An hour to himself, or rather, if he knew the Colonel at all, at least two hours. He could catch up with the others as necessary, but, especially considering what he had been written, the others might know about him and Anna. Therefore, if Mrs Hughes would only allow it, he could see her again. Alone.

It was the most joyful and the most worrying thought he had had for a very long time.

Towns Robert knew well began to fly by, and soon they were approaching Downton station. Robert had to sit on his hands to stop himself from bouncing in his seat.

"I say, old boy, we're here!" Robert exclaimed as the train slowed down into the station. "Oh, blast! Look who they've sent to pick us up! That daft old fool, Herberts! He's slower than Taylor was; it will take twice as long to get home now! I never thought I'd say it, but I miss that bloody fool, Branson. At least he knew what an accelerator was!"

Robert was out of his seat before the train had finally stopped and he was hanging out of the door as it jolted to a halt with a billow of steam. He inhaled deeply and as he exhaled, spread his arms wide in a victorious stance.

"Friends!" he cried. "Fear not, your Lord is home and the German's are close to defeat! An Englishman shall not be defeat- oh," Robert paused as he realised that there was no welcoming committee, no great cheers as his people welcomed him back into their bosom. The only person on the platform was an old man, sleeping on a bench. Robert flushed and straightened his jacket and stepped onto the platform. "Come along, Bates!"

Bates tried to just mildly shake his head at the sight of insanity before him, and although it could have been seen as very impertinent, thankfully the Colonel was looking the other way. He sighed, located the car, and followed the Colonel inside.

If he was a little slow, at least Herberts was a decent conversationalist, and Bates, sat in the front of the car, was able to pass the time by quietly discussing a few neutral subjects as they made their way towards Downton. It didn't seem to take long at all, and then - then they arrived.

They were home at last, and nothing could have felt so wonderful.

Robert had sat in unusual silence as the car trundled home. Bates was making a valiant effort at communication with that doddery old fool of a chauffeur, but Robert didn't mind. It gave him plenty of time to plan the next few hours.

So, it was his great welcoming speech, an hour or so of merry-making, bath and then food! Great platefuls of Mrs Patmore's finest. Bliss...

As they pulled up the drive, his heart leapt at the excellent sight of his beloved Downton, standing fine in all her glory. It still brought a lump to his throat every time he came home.

As they approached, he saw them all waiting. His family, the staff, all of them there to greet him. His heart swelled with pride.

As Herberts (finally) opened the door, he stepped out and swept his arms wide.

"Home!" he exclaimed. "By God, we're finally home!"

And he quickly made his way up the steps towards his waiting wife.

Bates let himself out of the car and moved around to stand at an appropriate and strategic point somewhere behind the Colonel. From that particular spot, he could do so much as meet Anna's eyes, and even offer a small smile. He wasn't quite sure if she'd be cross with him for - well, for everything that had happened the last two or three weeks. But, even if she was, surely she would be good enough to at least welcome him home? Of course she would. He knew she loved him, he knew she'd missed him. No matter how angry she might be later, she would give him the reunion he needed, because she needed it too. And they both needed some sanity, because it seemed that the world had gone mad.

Anna had been stood outside, standing as tall and straight as her frame would allow for almost half an hour. Lady Grantham had insisted that they be ready in plenty of time.

She could barely contain herself, after so many months apart, she would finally get to see her John once more, she'd be able to talk to him, hold him, kiss him... she couldn't wait.

The morning had dragged, she'd had to bite her tongue to stop herself from shouting in annoyance at the younger maids, why wasn't he here yet?

As the car approached, her heart raced. There were so many things she wanted to say to him, she just couldn't wait to make sure he was alright and safe. And, she wanted to ask him about that bra... though how she could bring that up, she had no idea.

She sensed him looking at her and risked glancing across at him. He looked a little worried, but still her handsome John. She inhaled a little and offered him a small smile that she hoped conveyed all her feelings.

"Cora!" Robert sighed as he gazed upon his wife once more. "I've missed you!"

_I love you_. If only John could follow the Colonel's example, and go straight to Anna with those same words on his lips. If only it were safe, and allowed, and right. Of course it was right, in every single way. But it was also wrong.

He kept his eyes on hers, and tried to show her what he longed to say - and do. When would he be able to be with her properly? He could barely wait another moment, his heart was crying out to go to her and take her in his arms and kiss her as if there were no tomorrow. He'd just missed her more than he knew was possible. To be so near, and yet so far from her, if it went on much longer, would tear apart his heart.

Seeing him looking back at her with such love made her heart ache. How she wanted to run to him and throw her arms around him and kiss away the months. If only she could be with him right now instead of standing here, acting the part and all the time her heart aching for him. Why did they have to wait for the world to allow them to be together?

She knew she was gazing longingly at him, she couldn't help it, she wanted him so much.

"Anna," Mrs Hughes murmured at her side. "remember where you are."

Anna turned her eyes back onto the distant tree. Why did this have to be so hard?

It felt like being disconnected from Anna when her eyes flickered, just the tiniest of adjustments and she was no longer looking at him. Why? Was she trying to tell him that she was angry with him, or that she was worried about something? Or... well, he supposed she might just be trying not to get into any trouble. Perhaps. She was standing beside Mrs Hughes, after all, so he supposed it was a possibility. It didn't mean she wasn't angry with him, though. He'd not had a chance to write and explain the bra between working out what had happened, discovering that despite the pathetic addressing of the parcel, it had actually found its way to her, and finding out about the leave, and he'd been worrying about it a while now. What must she think of him?

And about the Colonel knowing, too! That meant it would be around the family and their nearer relatives before the day was out. As far as he knew, only the other staff might even be aware of their relationship. He really had made so many mistakes that it was a wonder she put up with him at all. Couldn't this be made a little easier?

"Mary, you look lovely as always. Edith, I bet you're glad your dear papa is home, yes? And, Sybil, dear girl! It's wonderful to be home!" Robert greeted his daughters before turning back to his wife, the package feeling heavy against his chest. He needed to get her alone, and quick!

"Darling, Cora, have you missed me?"

Cora turned what she hoped was her most seductive smile on Robert, her heart leaping at seeing him at last, and other parts of her stirring in very different ways. "Well, darling, that depends. Did you bring me a present?"

Anna wanted to hurt Mrs Hughes. She was sure she was being spiteful, just because she had no lover! Months away from John with no hope of running to him until the world deemed it so and now she was even being denied looking at him. She hoped he didn't think she was being odd, that he'd understand but she feared he wouldn't. Pushing propriety to its limit, she flashed him another quick look and a smile. Mrs Hughes merely tutted at her side.

John felt Anna catch his eye again. She wasn't angry with him, or at least, not right now. He could see that in that little smile of hers, that she really was simply happy to see him. Mrs Hughes must be scolding her then, that was the only explanation. Well, it was better than the other option, but he really wasn't looking forward to having some opposition to the relationship. That was worse than nobody knowing. The next two weeks were going to be difficult. Oh, how he wanted that unrestrainedness their employers were to share. He wanted it in every way.

Robert beamed like a child in a sweetshop, "I have indeed, my darling!" Leaning in closer, he whispered, "One you are sure to enjoy!"

"Oh, papa! Must you?" Mary groaned at the obvious glint in her parent's eyes. "It's not at all becoming!"

Robert laughed, "Mary, when you are as old as I am, you will understand! Now, Cora... shall we?"

And with that he gestured towards the open front door. Let the fun commence!

Cora eagerly followed her husband into the house, filled with glee at the ideas running through her mind. What kind of present might he have got her? Glancing behind her quickly to see that the girls were following, she checked that they went on their way before practically chasing Robert upstairs. This was going to be the best night since that time with the feather duster.

This was what a man needed, the happy sound of his wife chasing him along the corridor. And chase him she did. He raced up the stairs, two at a time, along the minstrel gallery, stopping briefly to salute his late father's portrait before bursting into his marital bedroom. Panting, he removed the package from his jacket and waited for Cora.

The inventors of corsets and petticoats ought to be hanged, Cora announced to herself as she paused for breath. This was impossible. It was at least a minute before she got to the bedroom - she'd always known it was a bad idea to have it so far from the front door - and when she entered, seeing Robert's expression, she felt a shiver run down her spine. He'd not worn such a thrilling look in a long time.

Robert beamed at Cora, admiring her fine figure and the becoming glow upon her cheeks. How he had missed her! He gave an admiring little groan and held out the smartly, if a little squashed, parcel.

"For you, darling," he grinned, "for both of us!"

He couldn't wait to see her wearing it, this was to be the best homecoming ever.

Cora smiled and felt herself blushing, what on earth could he mean by it? A present for both of them had to be some kind of... well, a prop, she supposed. She reached out and tore the paper from the gift, taking it out and studying it. She hadn't seen one of these in nearly thirty years. It was perfect.

Robert practically bounced on the spot as Cora opened her…their present. He watched those lovely eyes of hers study the gift, admired how her long, delicate fingers entangled themselves into the candy covered string. Oh, how he longed to see her whole body entangled in that string! "Well, darling?" he asked smugly. "Am I not the best husband in the world? Do you remember the last time we saw one of those?"

Now that had been a fun night!

Cora grinned at Robert's eagerness, keeping her face turned just enough away that he couldn't see her. Then, without warning, she turned and walked out of the room.

Turning around and into his dressing room, adjoining hers, she scrambled to get out of her clothes, in such a quick and efficient way that she had learned for such times as these, destroying the corset and the dress - but it was entirely worthwhile. Then, leaving just her petticoat on, she slipped Robert's gift over her head.

Robert used the time Cora was out of the room efficiently. He undressed with lightning speed, clothes sailing this way and that. A shoe even bounced off the window before landing on the floor with a 'thump'.

Then, with surprising agility for a man nearing fifty he leapt onto the bed in only his travel weary drawers. Let Cora remove those!

Cora was ready, and she could hardly contain her excitement. She only wore the bra itself and her thinnest lace drawers, taking a final look in the mirror and smiling, satisfied. She moved towards the door that separated her from Robert and the bedroom, and she opened it.

xXx

Finally. John let out a breath of relief as the door closed behind the family, turning without a moment's hesitation to join the others on their route to the house, unashamedly meeting Anna and adjusting to match her pace. "Hello," he said, his hand just meeting hers in the barest of ways.

Anna had never felt so relieved as she did when the family went inside. As the staff began to walk back, Anna lingered a while, allowing John to catch her up. Mrs Hughes chose to ignore this action, much to Anna's relief.

His greeting, soft and tender, sent long awaited shivers down her spine and the touch of his hand, so warm, yet so brief, made her breathing quicken with expectation. They were still being kept apart, but at least now, they were being kept apart together.

"Hello," she answered softly, a gentle smile upon her lips. "Have you missed me?"

It was a bit of a risk, but he was worth it.

John smiled warmly at Anna, entangling his fingers in hers and lightly squeezing her hand. "More than I knew was possible," he murmured, silently thankful in a dozen ways for the privacy they'd been given. At least the others hadn't begrudged them that, though of course he was coming to that old familiar torture of being so near to her, and yet so far. It was the sweetest and cruellest torture he knew of.

Anna squeezed John's hand, enjoying that longed for sensation of his hand in hers. She wanted so much more, wanted to feel his arms around her, wanted to feel his kiss, wanted to hear his declaration of love and give hers in return. All she could do, however, was smile warmly and drop her eyes to the floor as they walked. She could feel him looking at her and it made her smile widen and her cheeks flush with a warm glow of love. She lifted her eyes and met his again and realised that sometimes no words are needed, a look can say a thousand words.

The look on Anna's face tugged firmly at John's heartstrings, filling him up with emotion and almost having him well up. That look said all he needed to know of promises for a proper reunion, later. His answering look made many promises of his own, and delight rose up within him. It was perfect.

"Mr Bates!"

John turned at the sound, reluctantly releasing Anna's hand as he did. It seemed he wouldn't be escaping this in a hurry. "Yes, Mr Carson?"

"I'd like to have a word, please. Now."

Anna's hand felt strangely cold as John's left it. She'd leapt around at the sound of Mr Carson calling John's name and was certain they were about to get in trouble. But it seemed he only wanted to speak with John. She felt a bit of panic rising and swelling in her stomach, what did Mr Carson want to say to John? Was it about their relationship? She didn't have chance to warn John that they all knew! He was going to be so angry with her! If only she'd been brave enough to write to him about the bra incident, if only she'd had the nerve to tell him! She tried to convey a warning message to him, but was certain her look suggested confusion rather than warning. She couldn't say anything, or do anything… oh, this was such a mess!

John glanced at Anna quickly, offering a brief smile of reassurance, and turned to follow Mr Carson. If this wasn't about their relationship he would be very surprised... although, of course, Anna hadn't been called with him. What in the world was going on?

"Mr Bates," Mr Carson began, "a matter has arisen recently, that it is very necessary for me to get to the bottom of. I am sure you know of what I am speaking."

Anna watched John and Mr Carson walk towards Mr Carson's office with a deep sense of anxiety. She didn't like this one bit! But then, maybe it was just Lordship's business? Maybe it wasn't about them at all? No, it must be about them! Oh, heavens!

Mrs Hughes narrowed her eyes as she watched Carson and Mr Bates head off together. What were they up to? Something was amiss and as housekeeper, she intended to find out.

"Yes, Mr Carson," was all John felt it was safe to say. What was the man going to do? Would he forbid the relationship, or threaten some form of punishment? Would - oh, Lord, the last thing they needed - would he take away Anna's job, or his own? Would breaking the rules, in such times as these, still have the same ramifications?

Carson indicated the spare chair in his pantry, moving around to sit behind his desk. "Have a seat, Mr Bates. Now, you can hardly have thought, after sending that... bizarre item, that it would have escaped notice that you are surpassing a number of respectable boundaries."

John took a deep breath. This was going to be a very long meeting.

xXx

The Crawley girls sat silently in the drawing room, desperately trying to ignore the terrible and disturbing noises coming from the rooms above them. They tried to keep their dignity and countenance but it was getting decidedly more tricky.

Mary, turning to a footman who was trying hard not to snigger, asked in as calm a voice as possible, "May we have some tea?"

Why were parents so embarrassing?

xXx

Anna felt caged. She had plenty of work to be doing but couldn't bring herself to leave the servant's hall. She had to know what was happening with John. What if he was being dismissed? What if the bra and their relationship was too much for Mr Carson? What if he was sent packing? What would she do?

Mrs Hughes walked up and down the corridor, slowly passing Mr Carson's room and trying hard to listen in without looking obvious. Charles was acting shifty; she didn't like it when he acted shifty, it made her feel anxious and she was feeling anxious now and no mistake! Plus, she sensed Anna was feeling anxious too.

"Anna!" she called. "Go upstairs and check the linen closet."

Anna opened her mouth to protest but the glare she received sent her scuttling up the staircase in fear.

Mrs Hughes faced Mr Carson's door. "What are you up to?" she murmured.


End file.
